My thoughts have been tender on this topic recently. I am by no means perfect in my love for my fellow man, but I honor the God that fills my heart with peace and understanding towards his beautiful daughters. Last night I stumbled upon an old friend’s video that shares most powerfully the way I feel about the mothers and women in my life. It’s a mother’s day message, but I needed to say it right now. It’s a timeless message that I hope you will come back to any time you feel the burden of your station weighing you down, for I know that God will speak to you through these words of truth. He will love and lift you! I love each one of you and if I haven’t told you lately, please remind me and I’ll make sure to redouble my efforts! 🙂
I’m on a haiku kick, so here’s one about moms! I put it at the end because I’m hoping you’ll watch the video and be crying by the time you read it, so either you won’t be able to see it, or I’ll have a head start on it being good, ya know, kinda like how every mom thinks they’re kid’s the cutest and how no matter what it sounds like, the first piano recital always sounds sweet, I’m hoping the heart will be in that “everything is so sweet” stage. Either way, enjoy:
Lofty motherhood,
God’s precious gift to the world,
Uplifts fallen man
So, over the course of my years hear on earth I’ve experienced good friends and family members falling from the faith of their fathers. I used to hear others share stories of this and felt pretty protected from it. I had powerhouse friends, we were solid. We would occasionally do stupid things, but we weren’t going anywhere. This was how it was and this is how it would always be. I was wrong.
Between the moving I did as a kid, a missionary and a college student I would often part with good people whom I had grown to love deeply. Some I have met again and rejoiced as Alma did when he again met with the Sons of Mosiah after some time apart, “and what added more to his joy, they were still his brethren in the Lord; yea, and they had waxed strong in the knowledge of the truth; for they were men of a sound understanding and they had searched the scriptures diligently, that they might known the world of God” (Alma 17:2). Others I have spoken with in sorrow that their faith had waned when the heat of the sun beat down upon them. While not my decision in the end, I have often wondered, what could I have done more to support them through their trials?
Friend after friend has also shared with me similar stories and it’s very interesting to observe in myself what I’ve see happen in others. It’s that thing that starts to happen when we slowly let slip the values and truths that we hold dear. I once was bold and confident to say that going to church has never really been a problem for me. Then I find myself skipping here and there. I wonder if those that left did the same thing early on, when asked where I was, I made up a plausible excuse for my nonattendance.
What is it that makes us shut down with our peers and our people? Why do we retreat when we need to open up? Perhaps it was my overconfidence supported by statements of loved ones praising my faithfulness that allowed me to think I was above the possibility of personal apostasy. Was it this pride that shielded me from the dangers lurking just below the surface of the calm water. All is NOT well in Zion.
I’m not saying that I’ve left the church, because I haven’t. I am saying however, that I recognize just how easily it can happen.
Masterful and sarcastic atheist Richard Dawkins has put much of his life’s attention into repeatedly attempting to convince his fellow apes that there is no such thing as God. I typically come across his stuff in discussions with a good friend or on the web/video when I’m strong in my faith, but he’s the last person I’d like to meet in a dark ally when I’m wallowing in self-pity about my worth as a human being. He and the faithless like him seem to have little compassion for the struggles those of the faithful, likening religion to an common activity like needle point or some other quaint hobby. Perhaps his parents were killed by believers who put him in a “Brave New World” like reeducation chamber where he was pumped full of medication and repeatedly told that the earth was flat. That would probably get under my skin as well.
But enough with my character assassination. Mr. Dawkins, I apologize, I don’t like to do that.You just represent to me a much bigger idea that’s tormented man from the beginning. I have absolutely no problems with questions, it’s in our nature to seek to know them, but when cynicism and doubt lead to closing off answers rather then letting them in, I see folly. I think on this point we can agree. It may just be in different contexts. By the way, I love science, my mind is always examining the world around me seeking to understand. So again, no hard feelings? Good, let’s do lunch. My treat.
Others who follow Dawkin’s faithless line of thinking have even compared belief in God to a praying to a luck horseshoe. Aside from the obvious differences here, I can’t help but see these arguments as mirroring the advent of Korihor in the Book of Mormon who said amongst other troubling teachings that the believers were “bound down under a foolish and a vain hope” (Alma 30:13). He calls God nothing more than a fairy tale akin to unicorns or hobgoblins. Will be interesting to see who the emperor is who is not wearing any clothes. (Check out: Countering Korihor’s Philosophy)
To start my babblings a winding down: There are times when our roots run deep and the wind comes, the storm rages on and we stand firm in the faith. There are other times when all it takes is negative thoughtless comment from a fellow saint to shake our very core. Well, let those who bend in the wind to the pressures of daily living, I offer you my faith in a God that lives and loves his children. And when things seem hard to understand, just hold on, call me if you need, the light will come for those who seek.
Firm are the decrees
of God from above
Seeing all, he knows
the necessity of love
But in his wisdom
he allows us to grow
And growth requires patience,
the ability to go slow
So down here in our passions
we worry and fret
Convinced that if God loved us
he’s step in and set
Right all the injustices
we see man do to man
Failing to recognize
God’s perfect plan
And no, it’s not to torture,
to abandon or abuse
But rather to give agency,
our choice to properly use
It’s in this way alone
that our growth can be whole
We take what’s allotted
and devote to it our soul
For you see, in the end
he who finishes ahead
Is he who finds freedom
through God as his head
“My will” delivers one thing –
chains that rightly bind
And “thy will” quite another –
Faith, the power to heal mankind
God bless my hurting friends and family.
May you recognize in your lonely times that God is speaking to us always.
And how true it is that when we draw near unto him that he draws near unto us.
I originally titled this post “Desires of Babylon” but realized that the post only mentioned them in passing. I think that title would make a cool song. I’ma gonna think on that! In the meantime. I was discussing the topic of desires the other day with my friend Holly. We were pondering & discussing how important they are in the course of our lives. It soon became clear to me that our desires are everything! Let’s examine this idea.
To begin with the Lord states that he looks upon the heart of man, not on the outer appearance as man does. (1 Sam 16:7) Why is this? And why does he require of us a broken heart and contrite spirit? Why does the Lord ask us to give him a willing heart? What’s so important about the heart that he’s going to use it as part of our judgment?
An important component in understanding the doctrine of “heart state” is understanding that our God is not a God of force nor compulsion. He created us and allows us to choose what we well. He of course wishes us to return to him, but knows that in his grand palace of order and cleanliness, we must choose willingly to live by his law and accept Christ as our Savior that we may be clean. For “that which is governed by law is also preserved by law and perfected and sanctified by the same.” (D&C 88:34.) The grand test here on Earth is to see what we will do with that will (agency) of ours.
Commonly people state that they are glad they left their church because they are now “free” to do what they want. That is indeed true, and was before they left. What their statement boils down to is, “I’m free to not be reminded that my choices have consequences.” This is a dangerous place to be, especially for one who truly wants to be free. Though God’s path is straight and narrow, the reward is true freedom, greater ability to act, while the opposite direction eventually leads to constricted actions, understanding & abilities.
You can tell the state of a man’s heart by examining his desires. Our heart and the state thereof are inseparably connected to our desires.
A desire is a strong want. What we want will manifest in action & affect the state of our hearts as seen when Nephi had “great desires to know of the mysteries of God, wherefore, I did cry unto the Lord; and behold he did visit me, and did soften my heart that I did believe all the words which had been spoken by my father; wherefore, I did not rebel against him like unto my brothers.” (1 Ne 2:16)
I began at this point to ask myself questions like, What do I worship? Who do I serve? What do I love? Who has my heart? What is my treasure? A question came back almost in response to those ponderings and it was simply this, “How do you spend your time?” In this simple question it became clear to me that I could see where my desires were taking me by noting how I spent my time. What we love, worship and serve can all be observed when we take an inventory of our time.
What I choose on a daily basis shapes and molds by desires over time. My desires ultimately lead will lead me to yield to God’s almighty will or to one of the four desires of Babylon: gain, power, popularity & lust (1 Ne 22:23) Our desires therefore determine our direction & destination.
An interesting thing about desires is that they move us to act in ways that will reinforce that desire, increasing it over time. Thus, if we give our will to God we shouldn’t be surprised when we become a new person in Christ with a softened character and with new eyes with which to see the world – the “wages” of serving God. I experienced this transformation noticeably before my mission and am continually seeking it. Conversely, when we give our will, our time, our energy and effort to the adversary – stealing, lying, lustful thoughts and actions, etc. – we slowly become chained to his will, receiving wages or “rewards” from serving Satan. Addictions, hard hearts towards our fellow man and a life filled with fear are but three forms of currency with which the devil pays his servants.
I remember reading many times about when Alma “ohed” that he were an angel and could have the wish of his heart. He then quickly added, “I ought not to harrow up in my desires, the firm decree of a just God, for I know that he granteth unto men according to their desire, whether it be unto death or unto life; yea, I know that he allotteth unto men, yea, decreeth unto them decrees which are unalterable, according to their wills, whether they be unto salvation or unto destruction.” (Alma 29:4)
Supported by a plethora of self-help books that suggest “if you can conceive it & believe it then you can achieve it,” I used to think that Alma was suggesting the Lord gives us whatever we want. However, when we read this verse the other day I came to see something different. God has eternal laws and leaves us to choose to follow them and live eternally with Him or to disobey his laws and die spiritually. We attract what we are and it takes some conscious decisions to change in one way or the other. In short, the principle is: “intelligence cleaveth unto intelligence; wisdom receiveth wisdom; trust embraceth truth.” (D&C 88:40)
So then, with all that in mind the question may be redundant, but “how important is it to understand what we desire?”
Well, since we receive wages (consequences) of him who we serve (give time to), it seems like it’d be important to know the terms of the contract we’re signing with our employer, the one who gives us our marching orders. However, no mater who we choose to serve via the course of our desires & eventually our actions, our wage ultimately is that we develop a love for that which we serve, it becomes our treasure, the thing we value most, the object of our worship, what’s in our heart. And the state of our heart is what God looks upon.
That my desires become those of Zion and not those of Babylon:
May my gain be of the Spirit
My power in the priesthood
With zeal to be more godly
To glorify thy name alone
A black cover envelopes the valley
with a warm May eve
A thousand little lights glimmer in the distance
as stars do in clear night skies
So many people are here now,
the branches of many trees growing full
And still,
a loving Father
watches on, involved as ever
~ Ryan Mendenhall
The Story: Isn’t it amazing how music can bring things to life, pull out the brilliant from that which lies hidden right before your face? I parked my car last night and I continued to listen to a beautiful piece on the radio. Several composers were going through my head. The first few notes rang of Ravel. Programmatic, yes, it’s telling a story. No, the string harmonies have a unique taste that’s not French. Hmm, Copland? No, it was Dvořák’s Symphony No. 9. Yes, that song has themes of the old song Simple Gifts. I knew the piece and it had moved me before. I finally settled on Aaron Copland’s Appalachian Spring as I prepared to exit the car.
In an instant my mind switched focus from this little guessing game to the sea of lit glass when I stood from my car and turned around to overlook the valley. Brilliant! The music was like a magnifying glass, opening my vision to a deeper meaning of the image that was spread out before me. Impressions came as words, but not those above, simpler ones, just to capture them like one would catch butterflies with a net. I didn’t want them to get away.
The whole experience lasted not but 3 minutes, but I had seen purpose in those three minutes.
Side note about my guessing game: The song ended and I was right about it being Copland. I was even right about the piece! Brilliant! Guess those music history classes stuck, yeah? After listening to “From the New World” (Symphony No. 9) though, I stand corrected. Dvořák never references simple gifts. Some parts are almost Star Wars-esque and others kind of Fantasia with Mickey as a Wizard-like. Movement 2 is VERY peaceful. See it live and you’ll be so relaxed. They even provide pillows for the concert goers for this part of his symphony. 🙂
Then, this morning, as I listened to some great Celtic music I felt to pull out the words again. I did so and sculpted the above few stanzas. There’s something almost healing in listening and noting what comes to mind. I find it quite therapeutic, quite necessary.
Back again! This road has changed.
No longer lay the marks
On open country lanes
That once spoke the story of an accident
Familiar streets invite me to turn
I heed & see places I know
Memories long lost surface & surprise
Forgotten scenes play like ten thousand movie reels cut, scattered & taped again
Long furrows carry life to fields of alfalfa
Fed from ditches that form the roads’ edge
Little league soccer conjures my own years on that grass
And a runner passes by…Yes. Yes, I remember those times!
The old school grounds – I walk, I jog, I sprint
One place I pass triggers names. A nearby mule brays
The next moment floods with faces. Two crows call unafraid
Here I am, the future, as a ghost, revisiting my past
So much built me, and this places is but one
Teacher, one time, one lesson, one story
Can I go back? No, it is never for us to do.
But forward I’m propelled by the thrust of these days
It was then that I began to live
And my inclination was to remain
But times changed & experience remained
As I stepped up to higher grounds
So, far away images now scatter my mind –
Pieces of the past, of me, oft unseen.
But I don’t look back for long
I keep moving forward
~ Ryan Mendenhall
May 15, 2010
Here’s how it all went down:
Plain City Soccer Field
I went to see a friend run the Ogden Marathon and ended up traveling some familiar roads to familiar places. I drove into Plain City where I went one year to high school and played soccer. I didn’t know where I was, but one road seemed vaguely familiar and took me past an old friend’s house and to a field where I used to have soccer practice. As I watched the little kids play I recalled a scene there sitting on the grass with some friends. I sat reflecting I my car and a runner with a Fremont shirt passed by…my mind rushed with memories of the runs in high school on those same roads.
My Junior Year High School
I drove away to find the school and traveled for a while on long country roads with a house ever so often and where the roads often turned for no other reason than to follow the ditch. I finally broke down and aided my intuition/memory with a small dose of technology. I texted Google for the address of the school. I was close, had driven right by it and not known. When I came upon it I smiled with a giddiness that I’m sure only made sense to me. I had decided to run that day up in that area…here it was to be, in the same place I had run perhaps a hundred times before. After driving slowly close to the school to take it all in I parked in the drivers ed area just to the West of the stadium where I had run track as a Silverwolf. I took to that old raceway and remembered the uniforms, the relays, the cheering, the crushes.
Fremont High Foodball Field & Track
I ran off and onto the soccer field, again memories flooded my mind. Sprinting the field the name Rodney Frojker popped into my head, I could see him playing with his knee brace. Tyson Craythorne. Micah Marsden (a name that came later, but I recalled him too). At another point on the grass a scene of a rainy game day flooded my memory as well as getting asked to a dance with Easter Eggs. I had to chuckle when I heard the mule bray. We had a mule when I lived in Hooper, Frank. I then ran over behind the school and along the path that we took to go to the institute.
I then ran out into the neighborhood behind. A hot day. Fields of alfalfa. People mowing, digging in their gardens, watering them. I waved to them, complimented them, etc All were nice. I felt like an apparition, touching, but not affecting their lives. It had been 15 years since I was there before. Amazing! I grabbed my soccer ball and played around a bit then sat on the football field and wrote the above poem. The school was abandoned. It didn’t click at first, but then when I wondered why students weren’t at sports practices I figured school had just gotten out for the year.
When I was done I packed up and headed South on the long road towards Hooper. I remember it being long, but it seemed longer this time. Hitting the T I turned out West. I was already so far west, but Hooper was further. The small country signs, green, white words & border approached and went. I passed Rocky Mountain Jr. High and curved around the road that took me south again. The road numbers started looking familiar and names of kids I used to know popped into my head as I drove by houses, Bingham, Greenwood, then a familiar corner appeared. I wasn’t sure it was my old one, but when I saw the old silos I knew it was the right place.
Miles, Christopherson, Strong. I turned North, that road seemed much smaller. Brody, Coroles, Paulsen the road ended & I went back to go down my old street. Kelso, Gray, OUR HOUSE! Well, I can say that I’m glad it was no longer purple, but it WAS different. The front ditch had been filled in, the tree in which our triangle tree house was no longer there, of course I could see that one coming since I had burnt it down by putting firecrackers in it :). We had a circular driveway and it now only had the west side curve, the other now grass. There were no more stairs, but rather an incline up to the front door, perhaps for a wheelchair? The back yard was fenced off so I couldn’t peek into the backyard filled with memories of the trampoline, Chinese stars at the barn, Shadow, diggin up horse poop, etc
I drove past it slowly as I did the school so I could let it sink in. Harames, Paulsen, the farm where we used to snag boxes of old doughnuts, find tunnels in & play in the big bails of hay, the slew that cut through our block which now seemed but a stream. My how things look different grown up.
I turned around and came back for one more look then turned south at the corner…the roads seem much smaller than they did when I was a kid. I remembered to go around the block was a real commitment! On the next corner I saw our second Hooper house which had also changed colors, no longer blue, but gray, a shade darker than the first house’s color. I turned there to eyeball it too, but there was someone out front mowing so I didn’t get all creepy on her. Byington…I turned around, I didn’t know anyone past that. Again, one more look at the house I kicked a soccer ball through the front window, found out that my sister was diabetic and stayed up all night to complete the school project of building a bridge out of small pieces of balsa wood.
I was now heading east, the direction I often stopped to look while in my front yard juggling the soccer ball because I hadn’t made the team. I got pretty good there. I guess practice does that…420 times I think my top was. I remember breaking 40 in the parking lot of some place in Hooper. But anyhow, I’d watch the mountains change to pink, purple, gold and crimson as the sun set out over the lake in the other direction. It was there I might just have learned to slow down & think, to reflect.
My thoughts have been tender on this topic recently. I am by no means perfect in my love for my fellow man, but I honor the God that fills my heart with peace and understanding towards his beautiful daughters. Last night I stumbled upon an old friend’s video that shares most powerfully the way I feel about the mothers and women in my life. It’s a mother’s day message, but I needed to say it right now. It’s a timeless message that I hope you will come back to any time you feel the burden of your station weighing you down, for I know that God will speak to you through these words of truth. He will love and lift you! I love each one of you and if I haven’t told you lately, please remind me and I’ll make sure to redouble my efforts! 🙂
