Category Archives: Self Discovery

Reflections, Self Discovery

Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Feelings

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In reply to my friend Marci’s comment on her post Thoughts Come Before Emotions I wanted to say a few things about thoughts & emotions…

Emotions-chuck-norris-has-one-emotion-demotivational-poster-1276213510

Yeah, ya know, changing emotions oft begins by changing thoughts. When I think of what I’m grateful for it does the work for me to change the emotion…if it hasn’t gotten out of hand. However, if I’ve been negligent in observing my thoughts, I may need to change some emotions before I can think straight enough for thoughts to take me the rest of the way home.

For example, recall when Indiana Jones’ father teaches him to count backwards from 10 in Hebrew or something like that when he’s mad? Similarly, there’s a cool story of a samurai that I heard recently from a book by a guy named William Ury. The book was The Power of a Positive No. I’ve retold it again as I remember it.

A samurai went to a farmer to whom he had loaned some money. The farmer pleaded for more time, insisting that he would have the money later. The samurai drew his sword and was about to strike him down. The farmer, flinching, quickly told the samurai that he had been learning from a samurai master and that he had learned never to kill a man in anger. To which the samurai responded, “your master is wise. My master taught me the same thing. I will give you one more year at which time I will kill you if you do not have the money.”

The samurai returned home that evening and to his shock, disgust and horror found another samurai in bed with his wife. He drew his sword to slay them both in rage. Then he remembered the farmer’s words. He sheathed his sword and made a loud noise to alert them to his presence.

Upon waking he saw his wife and not a samurai, but his mother dressed in his samurai clothes. “What are you doing?! I almost killed you both!” He raged. To which his wife related how they dressed his mother up so that they’d be safe while he was away if someone came into the house.

So time passed and a year later the samurai returned to the farmer for his money. The farmer greeted him with a smile and offered the original payment plus interest to make up for any inconvenience the delay had caused. The samurai refused and calmly said to the farmer, “Keep your money. You paid your debt long ago.”

At the very least, the moral of the tale is to not act in times of high emotions. I’ve learned recently that the emotional part of the brain, when “hot” disconnects us from our higher reasoning faculties located in our frontal cortex.

When emotions are high, it’s good to calm them with any number of exercises like deep breathing, going for a walk, taking a nap or going for a jog. THEN we can more readily re-engage our thoughts to calm us the rest of the way and change negative feelings to positive.

Last couple thoughts on how emotions can lead to thoughts. I DO believe that there are certain events that can trigger strong emotions without much, if any, thought at all. Think of how you’d respond if you turned around to see a bear mauling your face or a man at the bank with a gun.

Some physiological events can also influence our emotions. Such as hunger, fatigue, pregnancy (hormones) and the like. I know that when I’m not paying attention and I get hungry and “pent-up” from sitting down at a computer all day, I can then easily translate that tension and imbalance in my body into frustration. However, it seems even in that case my thoughts still preceded my frustrated feelings. I just hadn’t been observing them, so it often seems like they’re not there. They were influenced by my body yes, but even then, I can control the way I’m thinking about it. I could think, “wow, this bites, I can’t do anything.” Or I could say, “It seems like my attention power’s worn off. Taking a break right now would be a good thing. I’ll come back when I’m strong again.” And as I observe these connections in me I can start to plan for them so I avoid bringing my body to breaking point.

At present I believe that we can really do lots to keep emotions from ruling our behaviors if we commit to being active observers of our thoughts and the intimate relationship they share with our body & emotions.

I’ve ignored that relationship so much that I’m now finding it difficult to even know how I feel at any given time. As I journal feelings and thoughts that come up, I’m beginning to see more clearly how they are tied together and surprisingly how much say I have in the matter. I’m not a victim.

I posted two comments before the above one that came from a place of meaning for me, so I thought I’d put them here as well. I have added some where I felt clarification was needed.

Comment 1:

Freakin’ brilliant Marci. I’ve been hacking away at understanding what’s going on inside of me for some time now. Recently I’ve grasped firmly onto the idea that my emotions stem from my thoughts.

I was in the garden one day & I started feeling very anxious. I remembered that someone said that I could track backwards when I was feeling this way to see what was going on. So, I decided to test the theory. I stopped and said to myself, “What was I just thinking.” As I began with the last thought I remember thinking I traced backwards and found something completely fascinating, some thoughts & beliefs about myself that I wasn’t even aware I had thought.

Previously, I would have simply let the anxiety build, maybe try to shake it off with a jog or something, but inevitably it would return. So, when I saw the thought that I was thinking it was pretty darn clear why I was feeling anxious. The thought was of needing to email a business associate and that I told him I’d do it yesterday. Another similar thought soon came after that. The thought or rather belief about myself that I had totally missed was that I wasn’t capable of being dependable, that I was letting people down and that reminded me of feelings when I myself had felt let down.

Just wanted to thank you for these thoughts I say one more time, BRILLIANT!

Comment 2:

From my experience they are so closely connected (thoughts and emotions) that sometimes we’re not really sure which came first, the chicken & the egg scenario. However, try a little test and take a feeling whenever it comes and ask yourself, what was I just thinking.

Sometimes I’ve felt that feelings are leading me to thoughts…and that’s definitely true too. We’re never NOT thinking. I was listening to a program recently and it said we have something like 60k thoughts a day. Not sure how THAT was measured, but a missionary couple in the LDS Addiction Recovery Program told me recently that they were in counseling and the therapist said that we are only aware of about 10% of our thoughts. (“BUT” I thought to myself, they all contribute to our choices) Again, not sure how that’s measured, but I think the point is that there are TONS of thoughts going on all the time, in the background, that we’re not even aware of. And if we don’t intentionally examine them and ask “what am I thinking right now?”, being the observer of the thoughts and not the thoughts themselves (because I believe we are much more than our thoughts) then we run the risk of thinking that we’re only thinking what comes to the surface.

I really believe that our minds (thoughts & deep-seeded beliefs) are like icebergs, controlling so much of what we do, similar to our autonomic nervous system. If we had to think of all our body’s millions of processes to stay alive, I’m afraid my planning isn’t that advanced yet. When my to-do list gets past 5 things I run the risk of getting frustrated and not getting stuff done. 🙂 Such it is with our thoughts. Once we learn a behavior and what to think in order to make it occur (which also entails tons of thoughts, conscious to us and not) then it’s like they just become part of our mental autonomic system, guiding us and letting us get on to consciously processing new thoughts.

To be certain emotions do “flavor” our thinking. Just think of when you’re infatuated or in love with someone. It may be clear to others he’s a loser, but when we’re colored with love, it’s all too easy to look past flaws.

That’s my two cents. The bottom line is that we have thoughts that control our emotions and when we start having emotions we tend to ruminate on similar thoughts. New thought on the same “wavelength” start to join the initial ones. And pretty soon it’s not clear what caused what. Either way, I think emotions are a window into our souls. Identify one and you can trace it back to thoughts and beliefs.

Family, Friends, Relationships, Self Discovery

The True Beauty and Power of Women

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“Sisters, we, your brethren, cannot do what you were divinely designated to do from before the foundation of the world. We may try, but we cannot ever hope to replicate your unique gifts. There is nothing in this world as personal, as nurturing, or as life changing as the influence of a righteous woman.” (M. Russell Ballard, “Mothers and Daughters,” Liahona, May 2010, 18–21)

To my mind this morning was brought, like settling dews on the morning grass, the extreme and simple beauty that women have brought into my life over the years. I have been more richly blessed by “the most precious element of a woman’s divine nature—the nature to nurture” (Ballard) than I think I can even realize.

I have been honored to date over time a handful of girls who have exemplified the love of the savior in their hearts and actions. They have opened an otherwise closed boy and have helped to bring about change in his heart, helping him correct his course and remain faithful.

Friends (girls) of whom I can only describe our meetings and relationships as divinely appointed, have nurtured me, instinctively, in my times of need, giving me courage and belief to get back up, dust off and to try again with love for myself. It’s these moments that have filled my soul with possibility and vision of who I really am. It’s these small interactions that have made me greater than I could have ever been without it.

Guidance from many Spirit-led women has richly blessed my life. From speakers, to church leaders, to my grandmothers & most importantly my own mother, I have been lifted time and time again on the wings of angels who had no other desire than to help me believe that the seemingly impossible I face is but only a small step in a much grander masterpiece that God making in me.

Even the men who have blessed my life with similar love, encouragement & teaching have done so with a confidence born of familiarity with such “motherly” love, instilled so often by their own mothers, wives, girlfriends & women acquaintances.

It’s been a slow process by which I’m realizing over again the true beauty and power of women. It’s a journey that I am glad to be on, for I have seen over the years the faith of some of my sweetest and most dear friends’ shattered largely due to the poor examples of priesthood holders to which they were married. It’s a man’s responsibility to rule over his wife. But as Elder Hafen taught, “Genesis 3:16 states that Adam is to “rule over” Eve, but this doesn’t make Adam a dictator. A ruler can be a measuring tool that sets standards. Then Adam would live so that others may measure the rightness of their conduct by watching his. Being a ruler is not so much a privilege of power as an obligation to practice what a man preaches. Also, over in “rule over” uses the Hebrew bet, which means ruling with, not ruling over. If a man does exercise “dominion … in any degree of unrighteousness” (D&C 121:37; emphasis added), God terminates that man’s authority.” (Bruce C. Hafen and Marie K. Hafen, “Crossing Thresholds and Becoming Equal Partners,” Liahona, Aug 2007, 26–31)

The goal for the man is to rule in the true meaning of the word, modeling himself after Christ. Christ rules the church with love & diligence in providing for and in protecting & preserving it’s sanctity. A husband is to do the same for his wife. I love the picture painted in the story where Christ is compared to a mother hen who protects her young, covering them when danger is near, even to the point of losing her own life. THIS is the relationship a priesthood holder has with his wife when he understands his sacred duty and her divine nature.

In short, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.” (Eph 5:25)

Living in mediocrity has been like living in a darkness. It’s here where I’ve seen myself as worthless, which has done more damage than I could have ever realized. For the way we see & love ourselves, at least in my experience, cannot be contained and kept from tainting how we see & love others. The good women in my life who have lifted me and built me and succored me like the Savior would if he were here deserve a Ryan that sees both them as everything they truly are, beautiful, powerful, creative, loving, divine, holy beings. And to do this I must take my visions from the fountains of eternal life, and not from the gutters of disbelief that line the roads of this mortal coil.

Thank you dear women. I cannot say enough about the good that you are and that you bring into my life. May the Lord bless you to see yourself as he sees you, for THIS is the solution to so many of your problems from low self-esteem, to depressive flurries and fear to bitterness & hate towards my gender. I know that men are rats, but the answer is not to feed them with the scraps of distrust which only perpetuate that lowly state, but to reach into the divinity that’s within each one of you and to lift him and to love him as you have me.

I love you. I need you.

Ryan

Change, Faith, Holy Ghost, Self Discovery, State of the Art

Simplifying Stuff

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“Simplify,” comes the voice. “Is it that simple?” I ask. Indeed it is.

I am learning that “Stuff” doesn’t make one happy. Happiness comes from within, from connecting to God. Once that connection is made, all the hording, materialism, jealousy, hatred, bitterness, etc just have a tendency to slip away. It really makes me wonder when Jesus asked a rich young man to go sell all that he had and follow him, WHY this man who apparently had been living the commandments was kept from heaven on earth and possibly in the hereafter because of the “stuff”, the earthly security that he clung to.

Do I cling to stuff that is keeping me from God? Recently a group of friends challenged each other to a 40 Day Challenge which began with a fast. During the fast we were to seek God and discuss with him the things that are holding us back from walking by faith, seeking with new eyes, and being led by the Spirit. It was during this quiet contemplation, as it usually is, that I saw things that “poked” at my spirit, distracting me from a focus on God and how things “really are.” Since then, things have piled up to gently testify to me that there is a God and that he is perfectly mindful of me. He has a work that no one can stop and if we tap into his will for us we not only find internal peace and greater happiness, but we find purpose, meaning and clarity beyond belief.

So, there it is…a summary of the latest “stuff” going on with me. I’ve even considered pulling a Henry David Thoreau. Who knows were the next little bit will take me, but I’m confident more than ever, wherever it is I know the Lord prepares a way for his commands to be fulfilled (1 Ne 3:7) and that I’ll most likely be moving ahead, guided by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I will be doing (1 Ne 4:6).

Here’s trusting in God rather than voices that drown out the still small voice.

Attention & Focus, Holy Ghost, Self Discovery, Words

The Gift

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Dedicated to everyone who strives for knowledge about self.

It has settled upon me
One reason perhaps why
I’ve been given this gift,
This thorn in the side

My desire for focus
Has stemmed from my lack
And drawn me t’wards Father
His ability in tact

I learn of His greatness
His glory & light
That will encompass my spirit
When I pass through the night

That heavenly focus
Is a super human power
Comprehending the oceans
Each sand of each hour

Not one at a time
As now I must grow
But hundreds upon thousands
Of truths will I know

And if this is all — the reason my mind
Tries to lay hold of 50 things at a time,
That it’s a heavenly yearning
And my body lags behind —

Then I’ll praise my God
For this gift from above
That’s helping me see heaven
And his precious, divine love

~ Ryan “Super Focus Boy” Mendenhall

I felt the distint impression this morning as I was studying about the Spirit World, after death, that my tendency to want to try to comprehend everything now is an inseperable part of my spirit that’s trying to work within the confines of the limiting factor of my physical body.

The impressions came as I was listening to Brent L. Top’s talk called What’s On the Other Side? What the Gospel Teaches Us about the Spirit World, especially these words from Orson Pratt speaking of what learning is like in the spirit world once we die,

“We shall learn many more things there; we need not suppose our five senses connect us with all the things of heaven, and earth, and eternity, and space; we need not think that we are conversant with all the elements of nature, through the medium of the senses God has given us here. Suppose He should give us a sixth sense, a seventh, an eighth, a ninth, or a fiftieth. All these different senses would convey to us new ideas, as much so as the senses ol tasting, smelling, or seeing communicate different ideas from that of hearing….

How long a time would it take a man in the next world, if he had to gain knowledge as we do here, to find out the simplest things in nature ? He might reason, and reason for thousands of years, and then hardly have got started. But when this Spirit of God, this great telescope that is used in the celestial heavens, is given to man, and he, through the aid of it, gazes upon eternal things, what does he behold ? Not one object at a time, but a vast multitude of objects rush before his vision, and are present before his mind, filling him in a moment with the knowledge of worlds more numerous than the sands of the sea shore. Will he be able to bear it ? Yes, his mind is strengthened in proportion to the amount of information imparted. It is this tabernacle, in its present condition, that prevents us from a more enlarged understanding…

I believe we shall be freed, in the next world, in a great measure, from these narrow, contracted methods of thinking. Instead of thinking in one channel, and following up one certain course of reasoning to find a certain truth, knowledge will rush in from all quarters ; it will come in like the light which flows from the sun, penetrating every part, informing the spirit, and giving understanding concerning ten thousand things at the same time; and the mind will be capable of receiving and retaining all.”

 (Journal of Discourses, Vol. 2, Brigham Young)

Brilliant!