Category Archives: Change

Moving Forward

Back again! This road has changed.
No longer lay the marks
On open country lanes
That once spoke the story of an accident

Familiar streets invite me to turn
I heed & see places I know
Memories long lost surface & surprise
Forgotten scenes play like ten thousand movie reels cut, scattered & taped again

Long furrows carry life to fields of alfalfa
Fed from ditches that form the roads’ edge
Little league soccer conjures my own years on that grass
And a runner passes by…Yes. Yes, I remember those times!

The old school grounds – I walk, I jog, I sprint
One place I pass triggers names. A nearby mule brays
The next moment floods with faces. Two crows call unafraid
Here I am, the future, as a ghost, revisiting my past

So much built me, and this places is but one
Teacher, one time, one lesson, one story
Can I go back? No, it is never for us to do.
But forward I’m propelled by the thrust of these days

It was then that I began to live
And my inclination was to remain
But times changed & experience remained
As I stepped up to higher grounds

So, far away images now scatter my mind –
Pieces of the past, of me, oft unseen.
But I don’t look back for long
I keep moving forward

~ Ryan Mendenhall

May 15, 2010

Here’s how it all went down:

Plain City Soccer Field

I went to see a friend run the Ogden Marathon and ended up traveling some familiar roads to familiar places. I drove into Plain City where I went one year to high school and played soccer. I didn’t know where I was, but one road seemed vaguely familiar and took me past an old friend’s house and to a field where I used to have soccer practice. As I watched the little kids play I recalled a scene there sitting on the grass with some friends. I sat reflecting I my car and a runner with a Fremont shirt passed by…my mind rushed with memories of the runs in high school on those same roads.

My Junior Year High School

I drove away to find the school and traveled for a while on long country roads with a house ever so often and where the roads often turned for no other reason than to follow the ditch. I finally broke down and aided my intuition/memory with a small dose of technology. I texted Google for the address of the school. I was close, had driven right by it and not known. When I came upon it I smiled with a giddiness that I’m sure only made sense to me. I had decided to run that day up in that area…here it was to be, in the same place I had run perhaps a hundred times before. After driving slowly close to  the school to take it all in I parked in the drivers ed area just to the West of the stadium where I had run track as a Silverwolf. I took to that old raceway and remembered the uniforms, the relays, the cheering, the crushes.

Fremont High Foodball Field & Track

I ran off and onto the soccer field, again memories flooded my mind. Sprinting the field the name Rodney Frojker popped into my head, I could see him playing with his knee brace. Tyson Craythorne. Micah Marsden (a name that came later, but I recalled him too). At another point on the grass a scene of a rainy game day flooded my memory as well as getting asked to a dance with Easter Eggs. I had to chuckle when I heard the mule bray. We had a mule when I lived in Hooper, Frank. I then ran over behind the school and along the path that we took to go to the institute.

I then ran out into the neighborhood behind. A hot day. Fields of alfalfa. People mowing, digging in their gardens, watering them. I waved to them, complimented them, etc All were nice. I felt like an apparition, touching, but not affecting their lives. It had been 15 years since I was there before. Amazing! I grabbed my soccer ball and played around a bit then sat on the football field and wrote the above poem. The school was abandoned. It didn’t click at first, but then when I wondered why students weren’t at sports practices I figured school had just gotten out for the year.

When I was done I packed up and headed South on the long road towards Hooper. I remember it being long, but it seemed longer this time. Hitting the T I turned out West. I was already so far west, but Hooper was further. The small country signs, green, white words & border approached and went. I passed Rocky Mountain Jr. High and curved around the road that took me south again. The road numbers started looking familiar and names of kids I used to know popped into my head as I drove by houses, Bingham, Greenwood, then a familiar corner appeared. I wasn’t sure it was my old one, but when I saw the old silos I knew it was the right place.

Miles, Christopherson, Strong. I turned North, that road seemed much smaller. Brody, Coroles, Paulsen the road ended & I went back to go down my old street. Kelso, Gray, OUR HOUSE! Well, I can say that I’m glad it was no longer purple, but it WAS different. The front ditch had been filled in, the tree in which our triangle tree house was no longer there, of course I could see that one coming since I had burnt it down by putting firecrackers in it :). We had a circular driveway and it now only had the west side curve, the other now grass. There were no more stairs, but rather an incline up to the front door, perhaps for a wheelchair? The back yard was fenced off so I couldn’t peek into the backyard filled with memories of the trampoline, Chinese stars at the barn, Shadow, diggin up horse poop, etc

I drove past it slowly as I did the school so I could let it sink in. Harames, Paulsen, the farm where we used to snag boxes of old doughnuts, find tunnels in & play in the big bails of hay, the slew that cut through our block which now seemed but a stream. My how things look different grown up.

I turned around and came back for one more look then turned south at the corner…the roads seem much smaller than they did when I was a kid. I remembered to go around the block was a real commitment! On the next corner I saw our second Hooper house which had also changed colors, no longer blue, but gray, a shade darker than the first house’s color. I turned there to eyeball it too, but there was someone out front mowing so I didn’t get all creepy on her. Byington…I turned around, I didn’t know anyone past that. Again, one more look at the house I kicked a soccer ball through the front window, found out that my sister was diabetic and stayed up all night to complete the school project of building a bridge out of small pieces of balsa wood.

I was now heading east, the direction I often stopped to look while in my front yard juggling the soccer ball because I hadn’t made the team. I got pretty good there. I guess practice does that…420 times I think my top was. I remember breaking 40 in the parking lot of some place in Hooper. But anyhow, I’d watch the mountains change to pink, purple, gold and crimson as the sun set out over the lake in the other direction. It was there I might just have learned to slow down & think, to reflect.

And something random – check out Homestarrunner for a fun high school experience.

Arthur Unplugged – 40 Day Fast

Alright, it’s not like those bible stories that you hear about where someone goes off into the wilderness and starves for 40 days…I’m still curious about that. Can someone really survive on no food/drink that long? Wow!

But rather this fast is a media fast. In the course of the last several months I’ve found myself completely engrossed in the world of technology and although Kip had it just right when he sand to La-fawn-duh, “I love technology!” I feel that there are things the Lord cannot tell me because “my line is busy.”

Over the course of the next 40 days I am going to scale down my use of media, the internet, texting, twitter and all the other noise, noise, noise (Intentional reference to Dr. Suess)!

Because of my scale down it may seem to some of you that may not be as available as I was before. However, I am making it a point to accept phone calls. I do love my people and you mean a lot to me.

So, as far as what this all means. Here’s my standard:

  • Music: Instrumental, Mo-tab & Jack Johnson :o) He inspires me!
  • Movies: None. Go see a play, play some sports, or some other fun thing. Exception: You can see ONE PG movie during this time. Make it a good one.
  • TV: None. Replacement – write some guitar songs, poetry, read or do some family history instead.
  • Internet Use:
    • At work – 3 hour daily max. Plan time well to accomplish.
    • At home – Only goal-oriented browsing. 30 45 min daily limit.
  • Computer: For journaling, writing & planning only. No games, or other programs. 1 hour daily max.
  • Facebook: for Walk the Talk & Clean Hands groups only – once a week on Sunday every other day for 30 minutes.
  • Email: Check once a week for 30 minutes Check only once for 5 minutes every other day or if someone needs to get me something urgent. (This is down from several times each day, spending upwards of 30 minutes each day.)
  • Texting & Twittering: Stop all Facebook, twitter and other social notifications. No replies via text. Talk on phone or in person if nearby.

Here are some other growth related activities that will replace some of the noise:

  • Work Out: Run to and from work at least 3 times a week (prep for marathon), rock climb for an hour at least 3 times a week after work, yoga… :o) that’s all I’m going to say ’bout that.
  • Sleep: Bed at 10, up at 6. Exception: Friday night: 12 IF something is planned.
  • Scriptures: I spend 1 hour in my scriptures daily and ponder their meaning in the context of my calling – Clean Hands Chair.
  • Patriarchal Blessing: Read weekly
  • Food: Eat breakfast and prepare a lunch for work.
  • Work: Plan for 30 minutes at the beginning of each day. Take a walking/stretching break at least each hour.
  • Planning: Nightly plan the next day. Weekly review previous week and plan next week’s main events from goals.
  • Journaling: Nightly at 9:30.

This list isn’t comprehensive. I expect to receive guidance along the way during my study, planning and journaling time.

If you need something, call me: 3.6.1.5.0.0.2 – Otherwise, see you in 40!

King Arthur

PS: Oh yeah, and to kick off my 40 days I’m going to shave my head…kind of.

Thanking Dr. Jones

I’d like to send a shout out to my man Dr. Jones who has been with me for so long, helping me through my hard times. He’s picked me up when I’ve been down, calmed me when I’ve been anxious, and in all has been there wherever my feelings have been of the negative sort.

I guess there comes a time in life when you have to move on, when the road bends and the scenery changes. I’m there. Things are changing and it’s time for me to move on. So, Dr. Jones, although you’ve been with me for a long time, it’s my time to journey down other roads and where I’m going I cannot take you. I have a feeling you’ll be fine without me. I have a feeling that the path I’ll be traveling will replace the role you had in my life. So, I won’t need you anymore.

Thank you for your time. Thank you for providing protection from danger. Thank you for giving me your all.

Sincerely,

K. Arthur

The Fast

Have you ever just felt that something was about to change in your life and then done everything in your power to help it along? There’s been a couple moments in my life like that and I feel like I’m at another one of those crossroads. I’ve asked some of you to join with me in a fast from 6 PM today to 6 PM tomorrow. Those who cannot fast from food will be fasting from some other thing they deem to be a worthy sacrifice. The idea is to all be sacrificing something that we normally are attached too for a time and channel the energy, prayers and thoughts to propel me forward, past some things that I’ve held onto for much too long, without which I feel I can fly!

I had a thought last night about this all as I was texting people back and forth about joining me in this cause. My thought was that I was taking quite a bit. I’m asking you all to sacrifice for me and for my benefit. I felt selfish for a moment and then realized that I would gladly do the same for any one of you if asked. I also feel that without a step like this I am not fully able to be there for you when you need it.

I am fasting to leave behind emotions of shame and unbelief and replace them with feelings of confidence in my Savior and of faith that all things are possible through him. I know that there are some of you that I asked to join in that feel like you have nothing to offer by way of faith at this point in your life, a couple of you have even expressed anger towards God for things that have happened to you. I am grateful that you have given me support, even while refusing to support your Creator. Though I would rather it were the other way around, I am honored by your love.

I’m coming to new understandings about life and how I am in control of my happiness, no none else. My Mom used to say, “Worry about yourself.” I am learning that her words were not a dictum to be selfish, but rather that because I am the only one that controls how I feel, think, and believe about the world, I needn’t complain that circumstances, people or anything else are at fault for my unhappiness.

I now strive daily to shed the erroneous idea that I am powerless. For truly, the divine in me is all-powerful. I am responsible for ALL circumstances I find myself in. I am responsible for ALL things I say and do. I can blame no one for my character for I am responsible for that too. And when I, in moments of pain look up to heaven and wonder, “Why me?! Why have you left me alone?” I must remember that it is not God who has abandoned me…it is I who have abandoned him.

I now realize that He has given me a blessing in EVERY one of my struggles and though I slip on my journey through them and even at times cower before them I know that He doesn’t hate me, seek my destruction or even laugh when I fall. No, no, no! I know now that those feelings of disgust, hatred, bitterness and fear come not from him, but from a world that promises my deliverance, only to lead me into a snake hole.

There have been times where I have knelt without seeing a way out of negative emotions only to feel the heavy darkness of those feelings lifted…AMAZING…just moments before I was cursing the very hand that delivered me from bondage. Curious how resistant we are to seek that source of peace when it is but a heartbeat away.

THAT is the God that I believe in. He who changes my heart and it’s dead-end desires to live foolishly. I used to think faith was this strong feeling of belief that I needed in order to do what was right. Therefore, I would often not do what was right because I didn’t feel like doing it. I didn’t feel desire to do it. I didn’t want to be a hypocrite or even have people see that I was insincere in my actions.

Turns out that desire is only part of the puzzle. Sure, my faith begins there, but it doesn’t end there… I’m learning from a challenge that was issued me from a good friend that even when my desire to do good isn’t there, I can have the Lord change those desires to what I want them to be. He can change my very character. Such an amazing concept!

Now, instead of spiraling downward in a free fall of stupidity, bitterness, and self-hatred and striving to squelch a conscience that exists to lift me up when I fall, I am reaching for the light. The light that comforts me when I fall, that lifts me when I am down, that gives me a bright vision and hope for the future even in the midst of troubling times. I have no reason to turn away from God. For the only reason that I turned away from him before was because I didn’t understand who he was. I understand that He doesn’t drop me, as people may. He isn’t impatient with me, as I may often be with myself and others. He knows my righteous desires and blesses me with them if I seek after them.

I may run from God, but He’s always running to me. And that’s why He’s always there if we open our hearts and seek Him.

I don’t expect you to read this and think, “WOW, that Ryan’s amazing!” And I would pray that you don’t think, “Listen to this junk about faith…he doesn’t know what I’ve been through…God may love him, but not me. It’s all a bunch of *$%@!”

If you get this far, know that I consider you my dear friend. Know that I pray for you often. Know that hard times come upon all of us. Know that you have a God, a Creator, a Father that walks with you daily. Know that your perception that he’s not there is wrong…and that’s okay. It doesn’t make you a bad person…Because he’s patiently waiting for you to tell him of your struggles, your frustrations…even if it’s with him. He’s there to let you know that you’re not alone. He’s there to show you a better way, for He IS the Way. He is the Truth. He is the Light in your dark times…but he does not force you to find Him. (Alma 29:4-5)

Dearest friend, I love you so much. I need your help, prayers and faith. I thank you in advance for them and hope that you would ask me for similar expressions of faith towards you…because I am willing and ready to give them. As you know actions speak louder than words. So, if you need my help too, remind me of my desire to do good for you…just in case I forget :o).

Sincerely,

Ryan

Sobriety?

Sobriety: abstaining from excess . . . hmm, naw, that’s not really the right word. Something that describes abstinence altogether is the word I’m looking for. Well, how about “abstinence” then? Alright, abstinence it is. This week’s been a good one. Abstinence being the key there. But also in addition to abstinence there’s been some feasting and some interacting and a smidgen of changing.

This week the goal is to increase the changing by stepping up the feasting, moderating the interacting, but still keeping it in a very prominent position. And the abstinence always remains a goal of course, but for now a 2 month goal is in place. Through this I hope and pray for light. Each day is a new day to seek light and as we do so we understand life a little bit more. By receiving a little light one need not suppose that they no longer need to seek light. Light only remains as we are actively seeking after it.

God be with me, my friends and family.

KA