Have you ever just felt that something was about to change in your life and then done everything in your power to help it along? There’s been a couple moments in my life like that and I feel like I’m at another one of those crossroads. I’ve asked some of you to join with me in a fast from 6 PM today to 6 PM tomorrow. Those who cannot fast from food will be fasting from some other thing they deem to be a worthy sacrifice. The idea is to all be sacrificing something that we normally are attached too for a time and channel the energy, prayers and thoughts to propel me forward, past some things that I’ve held onto for much too long, without which I feel I can fly!
I had a thought last night about this all as I was texting people back and forth about joining me in this cause. My thought was that I was taking quite a bit. I’m asking you all to sacrifice for me and for my benefit. I felt selfish for a moment and then realized that I would gladly do the same for any one of you if asked. I also feel that without a step like this I am not fully able to be there for you when you need it.
I am fasting to leave behind emotions of shame and unbelief and replace them with feelings of confidence in my Savior and of faith that all things are possible through him. I know that there are some of you that I asked to join in that feel like you have nothing to offer by way of faith at this point in your life, a couple of you have even expressed anger towards God for things that have happened to you. I am grateful that you have given me support, even while refusing to support your Creator. Though I would rather it were the other way around, I am honored by your love.
I’m coming to new understandings about life and how I am in control of my happiness, no none else. My Mom used to say, “Worry about yourself.” I am learning that her words were not a dictum to be selfish, but rather that because I am the only one that controls how I feel, think, and believe about the world, I needn’t complain that circumstances, people or anything else are at fault for my unhappiness.
I now strive daily to shed the erroneous idea that I am powerless. For truly, the divine in me is all-powerful. I am responsible for ALL circumstances I find myself in. I am responsible for ALL things I say and do. I can blame no one for my character for I am responsible for that too. And when I, in moments of pain look up to heaven and wonder, “Why me?! Why have you left me alone?” I must remember that it is not God who has abandoned me…it is I who have abandoned him.
I now realize that He has given me a blessing in EVERY one of my struggles and though I slip on my journey through them and even at times cower before them I know that He doesn’t hate me, seek my destruction or even laugh when I fall. No, no, no! I know now that those feelings of disgust, hatred, bitterness and fear come not from him, but from a world that promises my deliverance, only to lead me into a snake hole.
There have been times where I have knelt without seeing a way out of negative emotions only to feel the heavy darkness of those feelings lifted…AMAZING…just moments before I was cursing the very hand that delivered me from bondage. Curious how resistant we are to seek that source of peace when it is but a heartbeat away.
THAT is the God that I believe in. He who changes my heart and it’s dead-end desires to live foolishly. I used to think faith was this strong feeling of belief that I needed in order to do what was right. Therefore, I would often not do what was right because I didn’t feel like doing it. I didn’t feel desire to do it. I didn’t want to be a hypocrite or even have people see that I was insincere in my actions.
Turns out that desire is only part of the puzzle. Sure, my faith begins there, but it doesn’t end there… I’m learning from a challenge that was issued me from a good friend that even when my desire to do good isn’t there, I can have the Lord change those desires to what I want them to be. He can change my very character. Such an amazing concept!
Now, instead of spiraling downward in a free fall of stupidity, bitterness, and self-hatred and striving to squelch a conscience that exists to lift me up when I fall, I am reaching for the light. The light that comforts me when I fall, that lifts me when I am down, that gives me a bright vision and hope for the future even in the midst of troubling times. I have no reason to turn away from God. For the only reason that I turned away from him before was because I didn’t understand who he was. I understand that He doesn’t drop me, as people may. He isn’t impatient with me, as I may often be with myself and others. He knows my righteous desires and blesses me with them if I seek after them.
I may run from God, but He’s always running to me. And that’s why He’s always there if we open our hearts and seek Him.
I don’t expect you to read this and think, “WOW, that Ryan’s amazing!” And I would pray that you don’t think, “Listen to this junk about faith…he doesn’t know what I’ve been through…God may love him, but not me. It’s all a bunch of *$%@!”
If you get this far, know that I consider you my dear friend. Know that I pray for you often. Know that hard times come upon all of us. Know that you have a God, a Creator, a Father that walks with you daily. Know that your perception that he’s not there is wrong…and that’s okay. It doesn’t make you a bad person…Because he’s patiently waiting for you to tell him of your struggles, your frustrations…even if it’s with him. He’s there to let you know that you’re not alone. He’s there to show you a better way, for He IS the Way. He is the Truth. He is the Light in your dark times…but he does not force you to find Him. (Alma 29:4-5)
Dearest friend, I love you so much. I need your help, prayers and faith. I thank you in advance for them and hope that you would ask me for similar expressions of faith towards you…because I am willing and ready to give them. As you know actions speak louder than words. So, if you need my help too, remind me of my desire to do good for you…just in case I forget :o).
Sincerely,
Ryan