All posts by Ryan

Attention & Focus, Goals, Reports

Conquering Timp

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The evening was warmer than it had been the past couple of days. Invitees were texting to bail while others were firming up plans. In all, fourteen brave souls took the challenge to hike the 2nd largest mountain in Utah’s Wasatch Mountain range, Mt. Timpanogos.

Although this was my third time to hike this beautiful natural beauty, by the time I finished the hike at 12:00 pm the following afternoon it sure felt like the first time that I’d EVER been hiking.

Each of my three ascents to the top of Mt. Timp have started at night. The latter two started began from the Timpooneke Campground. Beginning here as opposed to the Aspen Grove trail head means a smaller elevation hike, but a longer distance hike.

After arriving at the trail head and making sure that we all had headlamps we began our journey. Turns out that if you want to hike a mountain and have everyone stay together you can’t put the fastest people up front. After 20 or 30 minutes we had split into two groups and about an hour later that 2 turned into 3 as I took the caboose with two other hikers, one of which had sprained her ankle about 10 minutes into the hike…courageous soul.

The night remained warm and there was no need for my sweater. We walked the entire night and reached the saddle just as the sun rose. We never stayed still long enough for the cold to catch us. Once up top and after resting a bit, two friends and I ascended to the summit. It was a first for all of us. THAT’S where it began to be cold. Now on the front side of the mountain (west side), we felt strong colder winds. While the skies were blue, they were preparing to gather the gray clouds that would eventually drop their rain moments after we reached the bottom of our hike.

I had a great time filled with detective footprint tracking and great friends. I’d do it again. Pretty much the coolest thing ever!

Change, Gratitude

Thanking Dr. Jones

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I’d like to send a shout out to my man Dr. Jones who has been with me for so long, helping me through my hard times. He’s picked me up when I’ve been down, calmed me when I’ve been anxious, and in all has been there wherever my feelings have been of the negative sort.

I guess there comes a time in life when you have to move on, when the road bends and the scenery changes. I’m there. Things are changing and it’s time for me to move on. So, Dr. Jones, although you’ve been with me for a long time, it’s my time to journey down other roads and where I’m going I cannot take you. I have a feeling you’ll be fine without me. I have a feeling that the path I’ll be traveling will replace the role you had in my life. So, I won’t need you anymore.

Thank you for your time. Thank you for providing protection from danger. Thank you for giving me your all.

Sincerely,

K. Arthur

Gratitude, Self Discovery

The Secret: Gratitude

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How do I begin to attract good things? Start with gratitude. Your eyes will begin to see all the things that you’ve been missing.

Application: While in Korea serving my church and God I was responsible for a small group of others who were also serving. At one time one of the Korean sisters in our group came to me crying. Her emotions were strong. Her feelings and countenance were dark. I felt resistance from her. I couldn’t see how I was going to help, especially since her stated cause of sadness and anger was things happening in her family. How was I, an American poor at the Korean language, going to affect this sister’s life for the better?

With a prayer in my heart for guidance I listened to her mountain of discords. When I spoke to her I found myself saying something that may in similar circumstances be laughed off. I asked her to essentially “Count Your Many Blessings”. With tears still in her eyes and now looking up at me with trust, she said that she was thankful for her beliefs. She spoke of her family and of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I allowed her to continue to think on these things and before long her tears of sadness had become tears of happiness for all that she had.

I didn’t have to change things in her life to improve her attitude and emotional state. All that needed to be done was for her to recognize that though discord DID exist in her life, her state of happiness didn’t have to hinge on that. While focusing on the things that she perceived to be stealing happiness from her, it was as if she was blind to the possibility of positive emotions. She couldn’t see them sitting right next to her. Once she acknowledged those possibilities her emotions soared to great heights.

Change, Faith

The Fast

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Have you ever just felt that something was about to change in your life and then done everything in your power to help it along? There’s been a couple moments in my life like that and I feel like I’m at another one of those crossroads. I’ve asked some of you to join with me in a fast from 6 PM today to 6 PM tomorrow. Those who cannot fast from food will be fasting from some other thing they deem to be a worthy sacrifice. The idea is to all be sacrificing something that we normally are attached too for a time and channel the energy, prayers and thoughts to propel me forward, past some things that I’ve held onto for much too long, without which I feel I can fly!

I had a thought last night about this all as I was texting people back and forth about joining me in this cause. My thought was that I was taking quite a bit. I’m asking you all to sacrifice for me and for my benefit. I felt selfish for a moment and then realized that I would gladly do the same for any one of you if asked. I also feel that without a step like this I am not fully able to be there for you when you need it.

I am fasting to leave behind emotions of shame and unbelief and replace them with feelings of confidence in my Savior and of faith that all things are possible through him. I know that there are some of you that I asked to join in that feel like you have nothing to offer by way of faith at this point in your life, a couple of you have even expressed anger towards God for things that have happened to you. I am grateful that you have given me support, even while refusing to support your Creator. Though I would rather it were the other way around, I am honored by your love.

I’m coming to new understandings about life and how I am in control of my happiness, no none else. My Mom used to say, “Worry about yourself.” I am learning that her words were not a dictum to be selfish, but rather that because I am the only one that controls how I feel, think, and believe about the world, I needn’t complain that circumstances, people or anything else are at fault for my unhappiness.

I now strive daily to shed the erroneous idea that I am powerless. For truly, the divine in me is all-powerful. I am responsible for ALL circumstances I find myself in. I am responsible for ALL things I say and do. I can blame no one for my character for I am responsible for that too. And when I, in moments of pain look up to heaven and wonder, “Why me?! Why have you left me alone?” I must remember that it is not God who has abandoned me…it is I who have abandoned him.

I now realize that He has given me a blessing in EVERY one of my struggles and though I slip on my journey through them and even at times cower before them I know that He doesn’t hate me, seek my destruction or even laugh when I fall. No, no, no! I know now that those feelings of disgust, hatred, bitterness and fear come not from him, but from a world that promises my deliverance, only to lead me into a snake hole.

There have been times where I have knelt without seeing a way out of negative emotions only to feel the heavy darkness of those feelings lifted…AMAZING…just moments before I was cursing the very hand that delivered me from bondage. Curious how resistant we are to seek that source of peace when it is but a heartbeat away.

THAT is the God that I believe in. He who changes my heart and it’s dead-end desires to live foolishly. I used to think faith was this strong feeling of belief that I needed in order to do what was right. Therefore, I would often not do what was right because I didn’t feel like doing it. I didn’t feel desire to do it. I didn’t want to be a hypocrite or even have people see that I was insincere in my actions.

Turns out that desire is only part of the puzzle. Sure, my faith begins there, but it doesn’t end there… I’m learning from a challenge that was issued me from a good friend that even when my desire to do good isn’t there, I can have the Lord change those desires to what I want them to be. He can change my very character. Such an amazing concept!

Now, instead of spiraling downward in a free fall of stupidity, bitterness, and self-hatred and striving to squelch a conscience that exists to lift me up when I fall, I am reaching for the light. The light that comforts me when I fall, that lifts me when I am down, that gives me a bright vision and hope for the future even in the midst of troubling times. I have no reason to turn away from God. For the only reason that I turned away from him before was because I didn’t understand who he was. I understand that He doesn’t drop me, as people may. He isn’t impatient with me, as I may often be with myself and others. He knows my righteous desires and blesses me with them if I seek after them.

I may run from God, but He’s always running to me. And that’s why He’s always there if we open our hearts and seek Him.

I don’t expect you to read this and think, “WOW, that Ryan’s amazing!” And I would pray that you don’t think, “Listen to this junk about faith…he doesn’t know what I’ve been through…God may love him, but not me. It’s all a bunch of *$%@!”

If you get this far, know that I consider you my dear friend. Know that I pray for you often. Know that hard times come upon all of us. Know that you have a God, a Creator, a Father that walks with you daily. Know that your perception that he’s not there is wrong…and that’s okay. It doesn’t make you a bad person…Because he’s patiently waiting for you to tell him of your struggles, your frustrations…even if it’s with him. He’s there to let you know that you’re not alone. He’s there to show you a better way, for He IS the Way. He is the Truth. He is the Light in your dark times…but he does not force you to find Him. (Alma 29:4-5)

Dearest friend, I love you so much. I need your help, prayers and faith. I thank you in advance for them and hope that you would ask me for similar expressions of faith towards you…because I am willing and ready to give them. As you know actions speak louder than words. So, if you need my help too, remind me of my desire to do good for you…just in case I forget :o).

Sincerely,

Ryan

Self Discovery

Turns out I’m gifted!

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Ryan called the doctor and the doctor said…

“Ryan, you rate very high on the ADHD scale in your testing.”

Sweet Doc! Are you telling me that we can now explain why I’m so brilliant?!

“Yes, Ryan. That’s EXACTLY what I’m saying.”

But in all seriousness. Here’s the skinny…

Before my appointment on April 9th I did a battery of 13 tests. When I went in that first morning I spent another 2 hours with the psychologist taking some more tests and giving him my history.

This type of assessment is fairly exciting to me. Research allows us to identify where we stand given a baseline of common functioning. It’s not necessarily good or bad if we find ourselves deviating from the norm, but if functioning is impaired or if the deviation causes excess stress or difficulty in life then there’s a great opportunity to further examine the causes and cures for the dis-ease. Indeed, this approach can strongly aid a therapist’s intuition when making a diagnosis.

That Saturday I returned for some more indepth neuropsych testing. The WAIS and the MMPI are two of the tests that I took (or am taking…the MMPI is about 550 questions long, and as we’ll see, the diagnosis I came upon does NOT lend well to focusing :o) ).

April 17th I returned with my dear friend Emily Lyon to discuss the possibility of my having ADHD.

To be continued…